Anti-Bullying Campaign - #loveoneanother

I would like to share something that is very near and dear to my heart.  My sister-in-law, Jenny, has recently started an anti-bullying campaign as a way to try to make a difference on behalf of her 8-year-old daughter who has been a target of bullying since Kindergarten.  I say "target" and not "victim", because my sweet niece does not let the bullying get to her -- in fact, she frequently tells her parents that she feels sorry for them, that they must have issues at home that make them the way they are.  Amazing insight and empathy in such a little girl -- I couldn't be more proud of her!  And I also couldn't be more heartbroken about this situation.  My youngest daughter, her cousin, is also 8 -- we have another niece in the family that is 8 (big year in our family!) -- I CANNOT IMAGINE anyone bullying my littlest daughter!  I CANNOT IMAGINE how that would make her feel, what that would do to her self-confidence, the sweet smile on her face, the joy she shows every day.  How dare someone try to take those things away from her!  My husband and I have always taught our girls -- "you don't have to be everyone's best friend, but you do have to try to be as nice as you can to everyone."  Seems simple enough.  My sister-in-law Jenny's campaign fits perfectly with that.

Jenny is a photographer and recently, friends on Facebook have seen pictures that she has taken in her town of people holding a sign that says, "Love one another."  Yesterday she posted this explanation on Facebook, and I wanted to try and help get this message out in any way that I can, so here it is:

"So what is the what with this sign?! Well thanks for asking! The ‪#‎loveoneanother‬ sign is one that I happily purchased from a NoFo thrift shop for ten bucks about 3 years ago. It's been hanging in our den until about a month ago when I had an idea for a photo shoot.

What if we were surrounded by messages like this regularly? On billboards, in magazines or Buzzfeed, anywhere, everywhere? What would our world be like if we loved one another regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, waist size, bank account size, etc. What if we taught our children this? What if this simple phrase or idea was everywhere you looked? On Facebook or after a hashtag or on a tee shirt? Would it make a difference at all? Would it start trending? If it did, wouldn't that be amazing? 

As some of you know, my daughter has been bullied every year since she started Kindergarten. Same daughter, different bullies. It. Is. So. Hard. How do you explain to a child who has been raised to treat everyone with kindness, and respect, regardless of their life's circumstances, that she is not liked enough by some to receive that same respect and kindness? It is heartbreaking for her and everyone that loves her. And she is just one kid in a world of bullied kids. It's hard because as a parent I want to protect her from all heartache but I can't. I feel helpless. I'm idealistic, I know. I realize not everyone is going to #loveoneanother or even ‪#‎likeoneanother‬ but can we all just agree to be kind to each other anyway? 

So back to the sign...I guess it's my way of working through an ongoing crappy situation. My way of drumming up a little hope for the future. When I ask people if I can photograph them with the sign, I explain that I have been inspired by my daughter and her struggle with bullies. Every person so far has smiled when they read the sign and then held it for a photograph. Maybe it will catch on?! I hope so. All I know is that I am not the only mother struggling to understand why her child is singled out, made to feel alone, sad, anxious, hurt, picked apart. But it is my job to show her the good in this world and to me, the good are the folks in these pictures, especially this one. You can view more #loveoneanother photos on Instagram or JNI Photography. Take the ‪#‎loveoneanotherpledge‬ to ‪#‎teachyourchildrenwell‬ ‪#‎respecteveryone‬ ‪#‎endbullying‬ - make your own #loveoneanother sign, take a picture and share!"


We love you too, Eki!

Trying New Things - Breakfast Edition

The other day I was grocery shopping with my littlest one and I remembered that we were running out of the cereal that she seemed to like that week.  She's very particular about what she eats -- I hate to say that she is picky, because she eats a lot of different things, but she's very particular about what she wants for breakfast and lunch each day.  Some days she's all about pancakes, some days she wants a "big breakfix" as she calls it, with Daddy's omelets and sausage or bacon.  Sometimes she's in the mood for cinnamon rolls, sometimes she wants a peanut butter and banana sandwich, and sometimes she's on a kick with a specific cereal.  Even her cereal preferences vary greatly!  She likes everything from Lucky Charms to plain Cheerios (no sugar added -- I always needed sugar on those when I was a kid!) to Raisin Bran without the raisins!  I can't remember the cereal she was on last week, but I know we were running low so I asked if she wanted another box.  She said, "Let me see what they have" and began to browse through the cereal aisle.  She came back with Cinnamon Toast Crunch -- her older sister is a big cinnamon fan, but she herself does not usually gravitate toward cinnamon flavored things...  I said, "Really?  Are you sure?"  Yep, I'm sure.  "Have you TRIED it before?"  Oh yeah!  "And you liked it?"  Oh yeah!  "Ok, toss it in the cart."

This is always a struggle of mine -- when I think I know what my child likes and dislikes and they are insistent that I do not...  I hate to waste money on things they are not going to like -- I can't tell you how many times my poor husband has been stuck eating some bizarre "children's" yogurt that our youngest has insisted she will love!  She's famous for trying something and telling us that she likes it, but she's going to "save it for later."  That means she's never touching it again!  But I also hate to discourage my kids from trying new foods -- I've even used the argument, when trying to introduce something new that they are certain they will not like, "You should try it!  It could end up being your favorite thing and you don't know it yet!"  (Tried that with my eldest and oranges -- yep, not her favorite thing!) 

Anyway, I gave in and bought the Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the next morning I serve it to my girlie who, as I might have guessed, picked at it and didn't eat much.  The day after that, I asked what she wanted for breakfast and she asked for the cereal that she had been eating the week before (you know, the kind I tried to talk her into in the store's cereal aisle...).  I resigned myself to the fact that I was now eating the Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast and poured myself a bowl.  As I sat with her eating the cereal, I discovered that it gets soggy really quickly -- I was not a fan!  I said this to her and she said, "I KNOW!"  And I said, "So WHY did you want to buy this cereal?"  And she said, "I have NO idea!"  Sigh...

What do you do in situations like this?  Do you give in against your better judgment and hope for the best, or do you hold your ground?

"Spread the Word to End the Word"

March is Developmental Disabilities Awareness Month and coinciding with this is a national campaign to end the "R" word. The word "retard" or "retarded", originally derived from "mental retardation" a common diagnosis for many individuals with a developmental disability, is finally being recognized for the hurtful, degrading slur that it has become. For the past 15 years, I have had the privilege of meeting and working with some truly amazing individuals as a part of my job for a not-for-profit agency that provides services to individuals with developmental disabilities. In the past year, the culture of our field has been changing and addressing this outdated, disrespectful terminology. The state's governing agency has changed their name from "NYS Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities" to "NYS Office for People with Developmental Disabilties" -- removing the "R" word, and putting the emphasis where it should be -- on the people that we serve. Now, instead of "mental retardation", we more correctly use the term "intellectual disabilities."

I went to the "R-Word: Spread the Word to End the Word" website and in a matter of moments, I made my pledge:

"I pledge and support the elimination of the derogatory use of the r-word from everyday speech and promote the acceptance and inclusion of people with intellectual disabilities. I work at a human service agency that provides services and support to individuals with developmental disabilities. The people that we serve are kind, compassionate, bright individuals with the same hopes and dreams that anyone else has. Long before I started in this field, I recognized this word to be hurtful and degrading and I eliminated it from my vocabulary. My husband and I have always expected that our children show others respect. We look forward to the day where all citizens are shown respect, regardless of their abilities, race, religion, etc."

I hope that you will join me and make your own pledge -- it is easy to make the pledge on the R-word campaign's website, and it is easy to remind yourself and others that this word is hurtful to millions of people with intellectual disabilities, and their families and friends who care for them. If we can educate our children from a young age, we can replace the old "R" word with a new one - Respect.

Dance Dilemma

The summer that I was pregnant with my second daughter, my husband and I decided to sign our older daughter up for some activities so that she would have something special to do that was just all about her, and not her soon-to-be sibling. One of the activities we signed her up for was a summer dance camp – her first dance class. We thought this would be right up her alley, as she is always flitting about the house, dancing around, and dressing up in costume. That was 3 years ago, and she has attended a dance class during the school year and the summer, ever since. Most of the time she seems to enjoy it – her first 2 years, right before the dance recital, she would decide that she wanted to quit because she was tired of practicing, wanted more “play time.” We’ve impressed upon her the importance of sticking with it, telling her that her teacher and her class were counting on her for the recital; it’s not fair to them to drop out a few weeks before the recital. And I was pleasantly surprised and quite proud at the first year’s recital, that she truly loved being on stage, wasn’t afraid of dancing in front of all of those people in the audience – unlike how her mother would have felt!

Well this year, we booked a trip to Florida for this May, and it turns out for the first time in 3 years the dance recital will – of course – not be in June, but in May while we are in Florida! I was SO disappointed for my girl (and for myself!) that she would miss the recital – we had been so concerned about not booking the trip during her First Communion – never thought that the recital would switch months! Anyway, my girl was really great about it, “That’s ok, Mommy! I’ll go to class again next year and have a recital next year!” Bless her heart! She even wanted to stick it out and continue going to class, in spite of the fact that she would miss the recital that they are preparing for. Initially, the dance teacher tried to talk me into switching our plane tickets (in front of all of the kids and parents, no less…) but my girl wasn’t upset about it, and there are all sorts of fees involved, and it takes a lot to get my husband’s vacation approved through work, so I did not succumb to the pressure.

A couple of weeks went by and my girl told us last week that she didn’t want to go to dance class any more this year. She said that she’s on the last “tape” (mark on the floor) so that she doesn’t interfere with what the other dancers are doing, and she feels as though she’s doing all of this work for no reason, since she will miss the recital. My husband and I talked it over and decided that it’s different than dropping out and leaving them hanging for the recital, and there’s no sense forcing her to go if she’s going to be unhappy for the next 3 months. And she said that she wants to sign up again next year. I called the dance teacher and let her know that we were going to take a break for the rest of the year – she actually understood because she had thought my girl seemed to be detached and not having much fun at class the last week or so. Then she went on to say that I should have my girl come in to say goodbye and explain to everyone why she wasn’t coming back. I said, “Oh, well, I can see if that’s something that she wants to do” and the teacher said, “Well, I think that you should force the issue, because this is a good life lesson – that you have to quit things in person. It will be good for closure.” Uh huh. I told her that we really weren’t looking at it as “goodbye” because she’ll be back in the summer, but the teacher was insistent that we bring her in for closure. I did ask my girl, on the off chance that this was something she’d really want to do, but as I suspected – no desire! We have not pushed her to go back to the class to say goodbye. I personally think that my husband and I are pretty good at assessing when it’s appropriate for our girl(s) to learn “life lessons”, and I don’t know that the “quitting things in person” life lesson needs to be taught at the age of 8.

But that’s just me - how do you feel about this? What would you do in this situation?

Coping with a Child's Fear & Anxiety

We have been going through a difficult time here at our house. About three weeks ago, my older daughter saw something that was very upsetting to her, and that has sent her spiralling into a state of perpetual fear and anxiety.

It started innocently enough -- my stepmother sent over the latest "People" magazine that she had read (as she does almost weekly) and it was sitting out somewhere in the house, waiting to be read. Usually there is some celebrity on the cover, but that week, there was a picture of the little girl from Florida who is missing, presumed dead, and her mother is a "person of interest" in the case. The little girl is about the same age as my girl, and apparently my girl saw and read the front cover of the magazine. She never mentioned it at first, but right around that time things started to bother her. One afternoon she wanted to watch a "Little House on the Prairie" episode and then all of a sudden she thought she remembered someone coughing up blood in it (that didn't really happen in the episode), and she started having a bit of an anxiety attack about it. The days leading up to Halloween were very difficult -- normally she loves to watch all of the Halloween movies on the Disney Channel, but this year they seemed to scare her. Her anxiety increases the closer she gets to bedtime. Lately, most nights during dinner she decides that she is going to have a nightmare, and more often than not, she does.

There are countless other examples of how fearful and anxious she has become, and I wrote out a long list and made an appointment with our doctor to talk to him about what has been going on. He was not terribly concerned and said he felt that she's a very smart girl and "is able to articulate her feelings extremely well" and that's why we know so much about how she is feeling. Hmm... In his defense, he did preface that with "Counseling is not my forte." Clearly. I followed up with a call to the school counselor who I found to be much more helpful. She stated that it is not unusual for kids my daughter's age to go through a phase like this. They are able to "connect the dots" so to speak, and seeing that magazine cover seems to have triggered something in her, where no matter how many times we try to reassure her that nothing like that will ever happen to her, she is incapable of being rational about her fear and anxiety. Every day there is something different that pops up and is upsetting to our girl, but right now we are taking it day-by-day and trying to patient and supportive. (Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my strong suits?) Tonight we read the Veggie Tales book, "Where is God When I am Scared?"

I have been kicking myself for weeks over her seeing that magazine, although truly, she could have seen it at the end the check out line in the grocery store. I thought I was very observant and aware of what is "out there" that may be harmful to my children, but this experience has shown me that you just can't anticipate everything, no matter how hard you try.

Have you ever gone through something like this with one of your children? What did you find to be helpful?

The Battle of the Fussy Eater

Sigh... We had such fun plans for tonight, my girl and I. We've had the premiere of Disney's "Camp Rock" written on our calendar for at least a month. Movie night with popcorn and the Jonas Brothers -- what could be better?

We had a busy day with my girl off at school, my husband and I both home and running errands all over town in preparation for our family vacation this coming week. We got home late, with a minivan full of bags to unload and sort and put away. I began to make dinner - one of my hubby's favorites - pan-seared tilapia. When I made it about a month ago, both of the girls tried it -- my older daughter tried it begrudgingly, but then admitted, "Ok, I liked it!" So after a week of thrown together meals and take-out, I thought it would be nice to make a good dinner and I didn't anticipate any problems with this one.

Well! Who knew? My girl sees me getting dinner ready and she asks what I am making. I tell her, and she grimaces and I remind her that she tried it last time and liked it. Doesn't matter -- she is turning her nose up at it tonight. I decide, fine, I will make our stand-by, chicken nuggets, for the girls but they can each have a small bite of the fish. This is what my grandmother famously (in our family) called a "no thank you helping." You could dislike whatever you wanted to, but you had to at least take a small bite, just to try it. And actually, I have read recently that it is a good idea to keep introducing things to your child to try and get them out of the fussy-eating rut. Anyway, we sat down to dinner, and I was already being much easier going about dinner than I was in the mood to be -- it had been a long day, and it was a very involved meal to make, and I really have no desire to be a short order cook and make different meals for everyone. But, to keep the peace, out came the chicken nuggets. I put a small piece of fish on both girls plates, and my little one munched on everything on her plate without argument. Her older sister, moaned and groaned her way through dinner -- to the complete annoyance of both of her parents!

My husband, wonderful man and father that he is, is very tired lately, and he is more inclined to give up the fight (in irritation) so that we can move on with our lives. I, on the otherhand, am tired of giving in, especially when I don't feel that the request is unreasonable -- like taking one bite of the dinner that everyone else is eating. After much fussing and drama, my husband told my girl that if she did not eat the one bite, there would be no popcorn (part of the movie night). So, she sat for another 10 minutes (we were already 10 minutes into her huffing and puffing over the one bite of fish) with the food on her fork, held up toward her mouth, her nose plugged because she was complaining that the fish smelled funny (it really didn't) and finally, my husband had had it and he took the fork out of her hand and dumped the piece of fish in the garbage and told her "No movie - time for bed!" Of course, then the real drama starts -- her jumping up and saying, "No, I'll eat it!" but it's in the garbage -- no turning back from there! And he's telling her to get ready for bed and she's crying, and frankly, I was practically crying, because this was supposed to be such a fun night that she and I had looked forward to, and I never like to see my girl disappointed. She went upstairs and I said to him (when she was out of earshot, of course), "Why did you have to do that?" and he said, "I wasn't going to have her sit there ALL night with her nose plugged, whining about not wanting to take one little bite of her dinner!" I told him, "I feel bad -- the night's ruined, all over the fish! But really, she liked it last month -- I didn't think one bite was unreasonable!" And he reassured me that no, I was not being unreasonable. Still, I felt terrible.

I went up to her room a little while later and we talked and she was really pretty good about the whole thing. I explained that I was disappointed because it was such a simple request, and she could have easily done it and we could have been downstairs snuggling with a bowl of popcorn and watching her movie.

I taped the movie and on Tuesday night, after her last day of school and the night before our vacation, she and I will have our movie night together.

It's hard to be the parent of a fussy eater. I feel like it's a constant battle not just to introduce her to new foods, but to make sure that she is getting healthy, well-rounded meals. This is a child who will only eat grapes, apples, and bananas for fruit. That's it! And even that is iffy. The other morning I got her to have a banana with breakfast (I started this game about who gets the first bite of the banana -- we both think that's the best part!) and there was the teensy-tiniest little brown spot about 2/3's of the way down and she wanted to throw the whole thing out -- didn't want to touch it! I convinced her to at least at down to that point... Her idea of veggies are cucumbers and corn, which both have about zero nutritional value in them. I have tried a ton of different ways to get her to branch out and try different fruits and veggies -- it really is a tiring battle! Sometimes you have to pick your battles, and maybe tonight was not the best time for mine.

What ideas do you have for getting a fussy eater to try new things?