Meeting New Friends Dealing with OCD

Today we had a really unexpectedly special experience. My girl and I made some new friends that we have a lot in common with - they are dealing with OCD, too.

My 10-year-old daughter was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago, and I don't mention it all the time on here because most of the time when things are going smoothly we hardly remember that she has it. And when it pops up and reminds us again, it's usually pretty draining to all of us. It's something that she (and we) may always deal with, but the bright side is that we are DEALING with it. We were fortunate enough to catch it early and find a great therapist who has helped our girl (and our family) learn how to manage it. We are also fortunate that it does not affect our daughter in school -- most people don't even know that she has it. She's a smart, funny, beautiful, totally normal kid and she happens to have OCD, or "stuck thinking" as we refer to it.

When she was first diagnosed, she went to see the doctor quite often, but after a year she was managing well enough that the doctor felt she no longer needed to see her. She told us that we could call if something came up. A year or so ago (after about 6 months had passed from her last appointment), my girl started having some nightmares. Her cousins were coming to visit and she didn't want to have nightmares while they were visiting, so she asked me if she could go and see the doctor again. We called, she went maybe 2 or 3 times, remembered what she needed to do to manage her worries, and then she was fine for a while. After we got home from spending Christmas with my husband's family, my girl seemed to have the flu and from there she began having stomach issues. We went to the regular doctor once, after hours care once, she was on medication for possible acid reflux, stayed home sick from school on 3 different occasions, and finally I thought to call the therapist. Turns out, it was her OCD again. The doctor said that stress "sits in the stomach." She was having physical symptoms of the worries in her head. So, back in February, she began to see the therapist again and quickly got back to feeling her old self again. At the last session she had a few weeks ago, we anticipated that that would be it until the next time something came up. But, her doctor asked if she would come in to meet another little girl who is a couple of years younger and also diagnosed with OCD. So, on my day off today, we went to the doctor's. I have a million things going on right now and had my to-do list in hand along with a notepad and some catalogs that I need to go through to prepare for the preschool carnival. All of that sat untouched as I sat in the waiting room watching my little one play and talking to the little girl's mom. We went to this appointment today thinking that we were (sort of) doing this little girl a favor, that maybe she could get some insight from my daughter. Instead, I think we all benefited tremendously. I met someone that I could relate to more than anyone I've talked to in a long time. Some of the details of our daughters' experiences with OCD are a little different but the emotions are very much the same. The hour went by so quickly and I found myself feeling like I wanted to exchange phone numbers or set up a play date or something. I didn't at that moment, but the girls had a similar experience in the doctor's office and we talked about getting together for another "group" session again in the future.

It turns out that the whole thing was organized because the little girl had expressed interest in meeting someone "like her." She, like my daughter, feels slightly isolated because they don't know anyone that has OCD like they do. The doctor told them today that it is extremely unlikely that they are each the only ones in their school who have OCD, but there is a stigma to it and no one seems to talk about it. My girl was quite nervous on the way to the appointment today, but when she came out at the end she was very happy and felt like she had made a new friend, and I think also felt like she isn't alone in what she goes through. It was a really positive experience for both of us and I talked my husband's ear off when he got home from work tonight, telling him all about my conversation with the other mother and all about what my daughter and I spoke about on the way home.

There are so many things that we all deal with -- no one has a perfect life, everyone is dealing with something. Imagine if we could all just open up a little bit and talk to others about what we are going through. What a difference that would make in the world.

My Guilty Conscience. Period.

Have I mentioned that guilt is a big thing with me? I feel it all the time, about everything. Even things over which I have no control. Some people call it “Catholic guilt” – maybe… Or it may come from my grandmother – she has perfected guilt to an art form (don’t tell her I said that!). Regardless of the source, and my usual, relative innocence, I feel guilty all the time. The latest cause of my guilt? The agonizing weight of knowing that I need to have “the talk” with my 10-year-old daughter, particularly about getting her period… Too young? Yeah, that’s what I think too, but kids are growing up so quickly these days, and I would rather her a) hear it from me than from someone at school, and b) be prepared in case it shows up unexpectedly while I am not around to help her.

I have asked other mothers (friends of mine, relatives, her friends’ mothers) to see if they have brought up the subject with their daughters, and have found out that no, they have not. Some are not really worried about it yet, some are thinking about it and planning how to bring the subject up. One family member let me borrow a couple of books to read with my daughter, but I have been so freaked out by the whole thing, that I had not even taken them out of the bag! I have also swapped stories with friends at work, my mother, my mother-in-law – I’ve received lots of good advice on what to do – prepare her, just in case is the big tip. LOTS of friends never knew anything about it until it arrived – big surprise! Also, a friend at work mentioned that once her mother told her about it (after she got it the first time) her mother neglected to tell her that it would only last a few days (and come back every month, of course) – but she thought it would continue for the rest of her life – continuously! See? Good information to have!

I have a slightly unique situation, considering my daughter has a form of OCD that we refer to as “stuck thinking.” She can see or hear something that is upsetting to her, and it will get stuck in her head and cause her a great deal of anxiety. I have been trying to walk the fine line between telling her too early and causing her to endlessly perseverate over the idea, and not telling her in time and causing her to freak out when it arrives unexpectedly and she is unprepared. SIGH. Decisions, decisions…

So, now that you have an idea about my state of mind for the past, um, six months or so, let me tell you what NOT to do. Do not wait until the last minute. And the last minute for me was after a particularly stressful day, with an episode of “stuck thinking” and anxiety in the morning while getting ready for work and school. And a pronouncement to my family that night that I have a very important event for work the next morning and I cannot have a repeat of that morning’s episode – everything must run smoothly – please, oh please, be Mommy’s big helpers! And then we wake up yesterday morning and things are running smoothly, until my daughter tells me that her lower back is hurting her and she describes the pain as “crampy.” And my guilty conscience rears up and tells me, “You should have told her sooner!” And I worry that, while I don’t know why her back is bothering her, it COULD be a hint that “IT” is coming (having lived through many, many crampy back pains over the years…). So, what do I do on my crazy, busy morning? I decide not to let my daughter go to school without a little bit of information about possibly getting her period. But I am in a race to get my daughter and myself ready so that she can get to school and I can get to my important work function… Needless to say, it was not the sweet, mother-daughter bonding moment that you might see on a tv. I tried to start out calmly and first asked her if she had heard anything about it from her friends. No. Then I started to explain that as boys and girls get older, they go through some changes. Boys’ voices might change, boys and girls start growing hair in other places on their bodies, girls begin to grow breasts… And then I launched into the talk (as best I could – not great on the spur of the moment) about girls getting their periods. It did not go well. After much stress on both of our parts, and her insistence that she was not interested in having that happen, I asked, “Would you rather have the information ahead of time and file it away for when you need it, or would you rather be surprised?” And she said with a sigh, “Have the information.” In the end, we both felt better and she did hide a couple of little pads in her backpack, just in case. It ended up being a false alarm, but I would never have forgiven myself if I had sent her off to school unprepared and something had happened!

As a follow up to our delightful talk, I had planned to buy the American Girl book, “The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls.” I saw it at Barnes and Noble recently and thought it was wonderful – I should have grabbed it right then and there! Luckily, my friend Kristin actually had a copy of it and she is letting me borrow it until her daughter needs it. It really is a great book for young girls to have. It covers everything from hair care, hygiene, ear piercing, choosing the right bra, and of course, everything you need to know about getting your period. My daughter and I sat down this morning and looked through the book together and read a little of it. This is something that we both feel comfortable either reading together, or she can read it and we can talk about it together.

Most importantly, however you handle it, I think it is so important for girls to get this information from their mothers. I specifically asked my daughter not to talk about this with her friends or cousin until I know from their mothers that they are informed on the subject. I told her that it is important for their moms to tell them -- not her! It is not an easy topic to bring up, but once I was able to get over my own discomfort about discussing it, we both feel better about it and she is ready -- whenever the time comes!